Before I go too far, I want to move this earlier in the blog so as not to create the impression that I’m using OCD/Anxiety as some sort of an excuse.
With all of this, a reader might get tempted to say this blog is just all about – “Boo hoo! It’s not me, it’s the OCD’s fault!”. That is not the case at all, it’s just that…all of the sudden…I understand a lot more about me than I did before and how what I do affects me and others. I needed to get pushed to a point where I could just be open and honest with myself (and others), which is what this is blog is all about and why it’s public (not an easy thing to do). It’s my history, my realization, acceptance and treatment and it’s been cathartic. I’m very guarded about what makes me tick, and that makes sense, since having this isn’t something you want to crow about and most people never confide in it because they feel shame/embarrassment at the “weird” and irrational thoughts they have. Plus, to be honest I didn’t know I had it to this extent. You get sort of used to how things are and assume that’s the way they’re meant to be. Sure, I knew about the even-numbered patterns and symmetry deal but I had no clue about it’s relation to more internal things like decision-making thought processes, ruminations and doubt. And the more you indulge in your OCD, the stronger it can become. To be clear, it doesn’t define me nor does it abdicate personal responsibility and I am not a victim. I certainly am in charge of myself and my actions but OCD has still had a very powerful influence and….that…cannot be denied. However, irresponsibility is if I do nothing to rectify these things and bemoaning my lot in life.
Anyway, when OCD was first brought to my attention, from more than one medical practitioner, I immediately started researching (legit sources BTW). It was, quite literally, like tumblers of a lock falling into place. An audible “Click!” of understanding. Or, for another apt metaphor – it’s like having the pages of a book scattered about the floor. You can pick them up and read them individually, out of order, and get a sense but not the whole picture. Just snippets. But if you put them in order and read it from front to back…”Bam! It all makes sense now! Holy shit!” And because of this discovery I can, hopefully, do the things I need to do and try to mitigate it’s effects. No, it won’t go away, it will always be with me as it’s a chronic condition but there are courses of action, medicinal and therapeutic, that I can do to make it better and to get to work on it. And just knowing what the hell is going on is…well…as GI Joe is known to say –